The Pentecostals of Pasadena had me take pictures of their families yesterday. I met a lot of people...super nice people. Their Easter service was amazing. Lisa Davis delivered a monologue that gave me chills and totally blessed my heart. Their Pastor, Jason Sciscoe preached a message that was just for me. Thank you POP for allowing me to be part of your Easter Sunday! Frances, thank's for being so organized! We could not have got through so many people without your mad organizational skills!
“We degenerate into hideous puppets,
haunted by the memory of the passions
of which we were much afraid,
and the exquisite temptations
that we had not the courage to yield to.”
Time heals...or so I have been told...
Not gonna lie...today was hard.
Thank the easter bunny for Taco Bell and the Hallmark channel to keep me company...
Now, if I could just get the people downstairs to shut up...
Took a walk around the lake tonight...
I've listened to this song over and over. A song for myself, I guess...
It's hard to know what to say and how to say it. SO here it is. Ryan and I are getting a divorce. I won't go into details except to say that this is not what I want and not my decision. I love Ryan and hope that he can find happiness.
The last week I have packed up my life into what seemed like a million little boxes. Piece by piece and memory by memory I cried myself through the hardest week of my life. Watching everything get packed away on a truck today was unsettling. What took over 6 years to build took less than 3 hours to load. Things that Ryan and I bought together...memories attached to them, was all being handled by complete strangers and it seemed so rough...so terribly wrong. Like a bad dream.
I have known this was happening for a few weeks now. I had hoped that Ryan would change his mind...but he didn't. During that time I only told my friends at work because he was not ready to tell his parents or the church family. So to my friends at work let me thank you for being so supportive. You may not know it but being around you and having my mind occupied was what saved me from myself the last couple weeks. You have showered me with cards, flowers, stuffed animals, chocolate dipped strawberries, emails and many texts and phone calls. Today you knew I was moving and so many of you reached out. THANK YOU!! You will never know how much it meant to me.
Mom and Karen, I love you both so much. I have talked to one of you almost every hour for the last week. Thank you. I know you've worried and I know you will continue to worry but I promise I am going to be ok.
To my church family please understand that I couldn't tell you out of respect for Ryan. The last Wednesday I was there I had to leave early because I couldn't stop crying. I realized that night that if this really did happen, it would be too painful to continue to go to church there. I love you all very much and will always be here for you. Thank you for every prayer you have prayed for me and every kind word you have spoken throughout the years. So much to say...just know that I am here if you ever need me.
My little Wizzy will stay with Ryan. She'll be more of a comfort to him and Brendan than to me I think. The night Ryan told Brendan, I overheard Brendan in his room telling Wizzy that he loved her, she had been such a good dog and he was going to miss her. So really...what kind of a person would I be if I took Wizzy from him now? Who knows...maybe she'll be back with her mama again someday.
This is all so unreal. If you would of told me 4 weeks ago that I would be going through another divorce I would of laughed at you. If you would of told me I was leaving my little house after all the work we've put into it, I would of said you're crazy. If you told me I would be sitting alone in my own apartment surrounded by boxes of my life I would of said, there's NO way.
I told a friend today that I felt like someone had died. The grief I feel reminds me of when my dad died. It consumes your every waking thought. It takes over your body and you are physically gripped with the pain from it. My friend said it is sort of a death. A death of your old life and a birthing of the new. So tonight as I lay my head down alone in my apartment, I will make up my mind that tomorrow is another day...a new beginning.
“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed
to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have
encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” ― Asha Tyson
A couple of weeks ago, when I got back to work from looking at apartments, this little lady bug flew on me. I'm going to take it as a sign of good luck.
I get more sleep these days (when I CAN sleep) than Karen does. AND just for the record...I don't sleep with my tongue hanging out. Thank you very much.
Seriously...how many times do I have to say it, the smell of fish warming up in the microwave is going to send me into an olfactory fit! I'm not sure why you think I'm kidding. Laughing your way through an apology every time you do it doesn't help. It only makes me want to hit something. Why do people insist on bringing seafood into the workplace? If you think the rest of us in the office are looking at you funny on your way back to your desk from nuking that hunk of nastyness, you're right...WE ARE! IT FREAK'N STINKS! Just because you enjoyed it the night before does not mean we're all going to enjoy the smell of it as it fills up the entire office the next day. Ugh.. Seriously...
January, 31, 2012
Just a little update: My sister has totally called me out in front of everybody on the whole fish smell thing. Her response on facebook to my dilemma was as follows, "Lisa are you forgetting who brings a FISH sandwich into the movies!!!!!" Well no, I have not forgotten. That would be me. BUT let me explain. First of all, the slight odor (not that there is any at all) is different in that it is freshly cooked, not reheated. Second, it is deep fried giving it a 2 inch layer of unrecognizable crispy goodness. So really...it's not even a piece of fish anymore. Third, I only do this when I go right after work, so there are not a lot of people there. I sit away from everyone just in case anyone has a super hero nose like myself. Fourth, the smell of popcorn is so strong that you really don't smell anything else. So see...I have not violated this golden rule. I would say it does not apply in this situation. mmmmkay?
Project 365: Day 219
I've got some thoughts on heaven...no time to write now though...maybe later.
Project 365: Day 218
Project 365: Day 217
my new watch...
Project 365: Day 216
Project 365: Day 215
When I was young I use to tan ALL the time. I would actually put on buckets of baby oil and lay out in the sun...everyday. Once I got a little older and didn't have the luxury to spend hours in the sun, I joined a tanning salon (do they still call them that?) Now, I'm as white as a ghost. I haven't tanned in years. I didn't stop tanning because I was afraid of skin cancer...I just didn't want to look older than I was. Yeah...that's vain, so what. I am a firm believer in sun screen though...especially after hearing all the stats on the harm of too much exposure to sun. I hope my past sun worshipping doesn't come back to bite me in the butt someday.
According to skincancer.org, 1 in 5 American's will develop skin cancer in the course of a lifetime. My sister-n-law is having her surgery tomorrow...which makes me even more aware of the importance of protecting your skin. She hasn't tanned in years either...but just like most of us when we were younger, she worshipped the sun too. My thoughts are with her tonight...I'm sending good vibes her way...
To learn more about skin cancer...visit www.skincancer.org
I can't believe I'm already on day 214...I can't believe I'm ONLY on day 214.
Project 365: Day 214
I was away the last couple days at a work function. Don't forget I do have a day job...which I like very much by the way. It was so fast-paced and full of...well, full of surprises that I woke up this morning thinking to myself...did that really happen or did I dream it? Anyways...the first night a friend of mine took pictures for me and had my camera over night. I ended up posting my pencil picutre with my phone. It's the alarm clock on the nightstand in the hotel room.
Project 365: Day 212
These pictures look alike to me...the colors, which was not intentional...just turned out that way...
Project 365: Day 213
I am so tired tonight. SO much on my mind...so much to do. Tomorrow I'll be taking pictures for SMT Hair Studio. We'll be putting together some advertising material and need some shots to work from. I'm excited. This group of gals are CRAZY hilarious! I think spending a few hours with them will be good for me and just what I need! Tonight though, I need sleep. I'm going to bed on a Friday night at 9:30pm...pathetic. I'm old.
Project 365: Day 211
And the things that broke over time? I guess it takes a lifetime...if even then...
Project 365: Day 210
In honor of the new Napoleon Dynamite cartoon...
Project 365: Day 209
Going through pictures today I ran across one of me and the Birdy boo this last Christmas! There isn't a thing I wouldn't do for this little girl. People always say there is no love like the love of a parent for their child. Since I have no kids of my own, I don't understand. BUT, when Kellan and Paityn were born, I had never in my life experienced love for a child like I do for these two. Must be because they are my sister's kids. Whatever the reason...I'm wrapped around their little fingers. Someday they'll figure this out. Which reminds me...I need to start another saving account...
Have I mentioned lately how proud I am of my sister?
It's almost 2am so I won't go into all the reasons I love her. (no heavy stuff after 9pm)
But seriously...who else can I sit around and plan my funeral with that won't think I'm completely nuts?
Why do I feel so guilty about having a good day? Obviously my meds have kicked in and I feel good today...mentally. I know it's a mask but sorry if I don't care anymore. My way of thinking, which I am not saying is right...it's just me, is that I always expect the worst...so I won't be disappointed you see. In the past, the second I feel good about something, it (it = whatever) usually falls apart. If I were planning on a fun filled night with friends and I get all excited, then usually something happens and I wonder why the heck I ever thought this would be a good idea. That's just one example. Let's see...that would apply to anything really. If I'm planning on a slow, catch-up day at work, then I will usually have so much work to do that I have to stay late to finish. See how that works? So by always expecting the worst, you won't be as dissapointed or too surprised when it, (it = whatever) all goes to hell. Do things ever turn out good...well of course and when they do...bonus! Like I said, I didn't say this was the right way of thinking...it's just me. Well, me and my sister actually. She has this same twisted way of thinking. Our conversations sometimes go a little like this:
Me: I can't wait to come see you guys next weekend!
Her: Me too! It's gonna suck.
Me: I know, I'm dreading it!
Here's documented proof that planning on something always bites you in the end. I know, I know...just kidding. This is just the result of one crazy kid...whom I adore! (who or whom? I never know.)
In this new year I suppose I should try and correct this pattern. Ugh...in the words of Scarlett O'Hara, I can't think about that today...I'll worry about that tomorrow...