don't know how to say this...

It's hard to know what to say and how to say it.  SO here it is.  Ryan and I are getting a divorce.  I won't go into details except to say that this is not what I want and not my decision.  I love Ryan and hope that he can find happiness.  

The last week I have packed up my life into what seemed like a million little boxes.  Piece by piece and memory by memory I cried myself through the hardest week of my life.  Watching everything get packed away on a truck today was unsettling.  What took over 6 years to build took less than 3 hours to load. Things that Ryan and I bought together...memories attached to them, was all being handled by complete strangers and it seemed so terribly wrong.  Like a bad dream.  

I have known this was happening for a few weeks now.  I had hoped that Ryan would change his mind...but he didn't.  During that time I only told my friends at work because he was not ready to tell his parents or the church family.  So to my friends at work let me thank you for being so supportive.  You may not know it but being around you and having my mind occupied was what saved me from myself the last couple weeks. You have showered me with cards, flowers, stuffed animals, chocolate dipped strawberries, emails and many texts and phone calls.  Today you knew I was moving and so many of you reached out.  THANK YOU!!  You will never know how much it meant to me. 

Mom and Karen, I love you both so much.  I have talked to one of you almost every hour for the last week. Thank you.  I know you've worried and I know you will continue to worry but I promise I am going to be ok.  

To my church family please understand that I couldn't tell you out of respect for Ryan.  The last Wednesday I was there I had to leave early because I couldn't stop crying. I realized that night that if this really did happen, it would be too painful to continue to go to church there.  I love you all very much and will always be here for you.  Thank you for every prayer you have prayed for me and every kind word you have spoken throughout the years.  So much to say...just know that I am here if you ever need me. 

My little Wizzy will stay with Ryan.  She'll be more of a comfort to him and Brendan than to me I think. The night Ryan told Brendan, I overheard Brendan in his room telling Wizzy that he loved her, she had been such a good dog and he was going to miss her.  So really...what kind of a person would I be if I took Wizzy from him now?  Who knows...maybe she'll be back with her mama again someday.  

This is all so unreal.  If you would of told me 4 weeks ago that I would be going through another divorce I would of laughed at you.  If you would of told me I was leaving my little house after all the work we've put into it, I would of said you're crazy.  If you told me I would be sitting alone in my own apartment surrounded by boxes of my life I would of said, there's NO way. 

I told a friend today that I felt like someone had died. The grief I feel reminds me of when my dad died. It consumes your every waking thought.  It takes over your body and you are physically gripped with the pain from it.  My friend said it is sort of a death.  A death of your old life and a birthing of the new.  So tonight as I lay my head down alone in my apartment, I will make up my mind that tomorrow is another day...a new beginning.

“Your journey has molded you for your greater good, and it was exactly what it needed 
to be. Don't think that you've lost time. It took each and every situation you have
encountered to bring you to the now. And now is right on time.” ― Asha Tyson

A couple of weeks ago, when I got back to work from looking at apartments, this little lady bug flew on me.  I'm going to take it as a sign of good luck.