i'm trying...

Sitting alone, wide awake at 2am and I am trying to stay positive.  It's hard when you're going through one of the hardest phases of your life.  It's especially hard when you're listening to Jamie Cullen pour out Gran Torino (oh yes, it's on repeat). 

Earlier tonight I was singing old hymns that were taking me back to growing up.  Now, hours later I'm feeling nostalgic and wishing both my parents were sitting here with me.  My dad has been gone for over 10 years but the desire to talk to him never leaves me.  I feel like I need direction in my life.  I feel so lost, I just need someone to take control and tell me what to do. If he were here I'd ask him to help me.  Like he use to say "plan your work and work your plan".  I would ask him just how I'm suppose to do it now that my life is changing...again.   Ugh...I'll think about the future tomorrow.  

Tonight I want to laugh with my dad as he imitates Elvis.  Tonight I want to sit in the kitchen while my mom cooks cornbread dressing. Tonight I want to ask my Grandma what to do about the geraniums on my porch that won't bloom.  Tonight I want to watch a vampire movie with my sister and laugh at things that only her and I would get.  Tonight I want to make peace with myself and those I've wronged. Tonight I don't want to worry.  Tonight I don't want to cry. Tonight I want to lay my head down and drift off to untroubled sleep. Yes Mr. Shakespeare, "to sleep, perchance to dream - ay there's the rub".